How To Be Single And Sober
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Drinking gets me in trouble. Not so much the puking and the punching and what have you, but the complete loss of romantic awareness. Girlfriends I’ve had don’t seem to mind too much, as I can be an adorable drunk – it’s more the ex-girlfriends who’ve since deleted my number who take issue with it. Basically, I don’t trust myself with the combination of booze and a 5G network. This is not a unique phenomenon, but personally, I’ve decided to cut back on the hooch until I can learn to keep my phone in my pants.
The thing about being single is that booze is awesome. It’s not the half-bottle of Malbec that you and a loved one imbibe while cuddling – it’s 3 shots of whiskey with dudes who are slightly less attractive than you in a room full of women who also don’t know how to sustain a meaningful relationship. It’s everything Captain Morgan told us it can be, and more. But it isn’t. In reality, you’re in a loud room trying to make hazy eye contact with anyone who isn’t your buddy Jeff telling you about his goddamn trip to goddamn Portugal. All of a sudden you wish you could go back to cuddling.
Why don’t you try removing alcohol from the equation and seeing how you really feel about your life? Here’s a few tips on how to get through social events without the sweet sweet crutch of the booze juice.
At Parties:
Stuck with a bunch of asshole strangers because your friends keep telling you to get out of the house? The easiest approach is to blatantly hide your sobriety. That means virgin caesars, pretending you’re high, or constantly eat a piece of cake or something. All unhealthy, but it will distract tipsy members of the opposite sex just enough to get some digits. Bitches love cake.
At Family Gatherings:
All your uncles making fun of you because you don’t have a Coors in tow and you don’t know what an Ovechkin is? There’s only one way to handle this one: pick another family member no one likes and come up with creative insults based on their actions! Your Aunt’s boyfriend is named Shannon! Your baby cousin is not developing motor skills! Gramma farts!
All of these loud exclamations will distract your drunkening relatives from the fact that you didn’t bring a date to Easter. Uncle Tom thinks you’re gay but you’re going to have to deal with that.
At The Bar:
This is the real test. Inhibitions are scarce up in the club, so don’t be a pervert. Yes there are single women there. That doesn’t mean they want to boo you. Great conversations with strangers can happen organically and don’t have to be fueled by liquid courage. Just be yourself! I’m kidding. You’re going to need to wear a pink hat or a sleeveless vest or something.
However you choose to be sober and social, I wish you luck. You are going to thank yourself come Sunday morning. Shame is hard to deal with chapped lips and a headache.
Just don’t go dancing sober. That’s statutory rape.